Whilst perusing my trusty sex-toy provider website I came across (no pun intended..) this novel toy..
The Vortex Vibrations Suction Vacuum Cleaner Vibrator.
Now, does that look even remotely sexual to you?
Excuse me for pointing out the obvious, put those… ‘attachments’… look suspiciously like the ones I attach to my vacuum when I want to clean behind my radiators.
Let me take a moment to quote from the site..
“Place Vortex over the clitoris against the labia. Suction will immediately increase blood flow to the clitoris causing it to enlarge and become sensitive.
Move the slider down and the clitoris itself starts to vibrate, fluttering like a reed in a saxophone. By adjusting the slider upward or downward, YOU control the rate of vibration.”
I’m sorry, you what? You want me to put that thing over my clitoris and attach it to my vacuum?
Ohhh, no. No, no, no. See, I doubt my clitoris will ‘flutter like a reed in a saxophone’ (what the fuck?). I’m leaning towards the fact that my clitoris will die of a little clitoral panic attack and question why in God’s name I ever let it come into contact with a fucking vacuum cleaner?!
Anyway. Just in-case you were uncertain as to how exactly this unusual contraption works, check out this video. Now doesn’t that look hot, girls? You can attach a purple piece of plastic to your vacuum (which you have undoubtedly used to suck up all kinds of horrors from the floor… Wine, breadcrumbs, dust.. And if you’re like me – probably spiders too..), and you can use it to make your clitoris flutter with delight at the sensation of having the life sucked out of it by your 800watt Dirt Devil.
I don’t know about you – but I’m certainly not throbbing with anticipation right now.. In-fact, I am literally crossing my legs in fear and beginning to view my vacuum as the enemy. It is not getting anywhere near my delicate bits. Ever.
And if you were thinking that this bizarre sex toy just couldn’t get any weirder… You were wrong. Play the promo video below, and girls – please try and control yourselves..
Conclusively, there is only one rug in my house that requires a weekly vacuum.
Lets leave masturbating with household appliances to the teenage boys, please..
I’m with you, No Way!
That guy’s little smile looked downright disturbing too.
I knoooow! Ew. Just EW.
What an expert and humourous review! I, for one, am now entirely terrified and am busy unplugging every electrical item in my home that looks even remotely hostile! :-)
one of my ex boyfriends admitted that his naughtiest moment was hooking up the vacuum cleaner to himself :X
and I am against overstimulating the clit, that’s just uncool.
LOL :)
I’m glad to see I’m not the only one who finds this just utterly WRONG.
As an avid Vortex Vibrations user I believe in the adage “don’t knock it until you’ve tried it” I’ll admit I had to wrap my head around the idea of using a vacuum cleaner as well. I just headed out to Wal-MArt and purchased and inexpensive hand vac you could use to vacuum your car.
There was a small learning curve, but once I got the hang of it DAMN! The first orgasm was quick to come, intense I found it to be a unique sensation, after the first one I kept going till i was exhausted. After I had sex with my boyfriend and while riding him like the Lone Ranger we climaxed together (which never happens unless I’m rubbing my clitoris at the same time) It delivered as it promised.
Stop being a playa hater and try it before you diss it
Hi Jade,
I’m still not sold I’m afraid! I’ve got an adequate box of toys, but can’t bring myself to put a vacuum cleaner down my pants. Glad it worked for you though! I’d be interested to know what percentage of women have tried and have liked this toy.. (Not that I’d still be convinced. I’m a cleaning freak, I’d feel like I was abusing my vacuum! haha)
The vacuum is only a power source. I know a lot of women who Use Vortex and they claim it is amazing. It has changed the live of many of them for the better. It has increased the sensitivity of their clitoris and has given them their sex drive back. One couple I know went from sex twice a month to now 5 to 6 times a week. It will take a while for people to get use to the idea. And some never will and that’s ok. But for those women who want to take charge of their sex lives having as many incredible orgasms as they want as often as they want, for those women who want to be interested in sex once again do not let the idea of a vacuum prohibit you from trying Vortex. It is a money back guarantee, now that is amazing also.
Okay, I know it seems a bit odd and different but variety is a good thing in sexual pleasure! listen, orgasms are amazing and mind blowing events that usually only happen their best when someone performs the acts upon you. However, when I used this it really was like the real thing if not better, it feels so good! if somehow the creators are able to perfect it by making it warm and mooshy like the inside of a mouth they totally should! this product isn’t gross it’s amazing!
don’t judge something before you’ve tried it, it simply means you’re too much of a scary-bitch to try it. Look my boyfriend and I have sex every week, infact every other day; but when he’s gone (he’s in the Navy) I get lonesome and this is the closest thing iv got.