It’s been said that I’m a little slow sometimes.  I don’t contest that, infact I wholeheartedly agree that things dawn on me long after everyone else has worked it out.

But my beloved Eileen Dover has fallen off the face of the internet!  I’m frankly distraught by this.

More so, because in the place of Eileen, is the photo of a drag-queen whose makeup has clearly been applied by a shovel.

Cruella on Crack.

Sad times..

Come (on) back Eileen!  I miss your sparsely made-up face and filthy mind.

In about a week, this blog will be moving over to www.scrapbookingwithwords.co.uk – please update your bookmarks! :)

It’s been nearly three months since I posted anything on here!  I don’t know where the time went :-\

I’ve been working far too hard, I’ve been promoted, and I’ve been accepted onto a post graduate teaching course.  I’ve (unfortunately) been promoted to Head Bridesmaid for the nightmare wedding of the year ™ – due to the other lucky bitch opting out last minute.

Other than that?  Nada.  Nothing to report – not a sausage.

Now, aren’t you glad I took the time to post this informative, interesting update of my incredibly exciting life? :-)

xxx

Have The T-Shirt’s recent post has inspired me!  With the dismal cloud of Christmas looming over us, I’m going to follow in her footsteps, and make a list for Santa!

This isn’t a list of presents I’m going to buy other people, nor is it a list of presents I’d like.  It’s a list of (mostly unrealistic!! things I would love to have for Christmas (if I had a magic lamp, and a totally hot genie)..

- I’d like a dressing room.  Yes, an actual room.  A whole, enormous room dedicated mostly to shoes.

- I’d like a disgustingly enviable collection of shoes, of which at least 60% should be made by Jimmy Choo or Gina.

- Obviously, I’d need a bigger house in which to accommodate my enormous shoe collection.

- I’d like two Shar Pei puppies, who would absolutely, definitely, not eat/bite/annoy my little bundle of fluff (that would be my erm, cat.)

- It would be wonderful to not be allergic to my little bundle of fluff, whom I love dearly, but brings me out in a bugger of a rash.

- I want an extra button in my car, which, when pressed – emits a deafening voice that says “Stop driving up my ass, you incompetent dickhead.”

- Oh, and another button which (somehow) bitch-slaps any incompetent dickheads (particularly those driving 4×4s, who seem to think they can railroad my car off the frigging road..)

- Screw it, I’d like a super fast, super speedy, kick-ass, midlife-crisis car.  I don’t know what kind…  A sexy, dirty-hot one! :)

- I’d like to actually want to give up smoking, let alone have the willpower to do it.

- I’d like to just be qualified to teach, now, without having to actually train to do it (obviously all the knowledge would be stored somewhere in my brain, without me having to learn it).

- I don’t ever want to see a child suffer.  I want all the children I teach to come to school in warm, clean clothes, after a good nights sleep and a proper breakfast. I want to see parents who actually give a shit.

- I want my own childcare business, with wonderful staff, and plenty of money behind it.

- And a great big stack of cash.

- I’d like the finances, and the guts, to travel the world.

- I’d like to put my old boss out of business, and be able to laugh a great big “fuck you, lady.” right in her face. :X (Yes, I realise that makes me a massive bitch, but she totally deserves it.)

- I’d like my best friend to just not make a massive mistake, and to either get married and have it work out, or not get married and be ok with that.  Either way would be quite satisfactory, thank you!  Oh, and if he has to get married, could I please not look like a total dickhead in my bridesmaid dress? Pleeeease?

- I’d like the prospective-mother-in-law to not be such a racist assbag.  Or, if that’s slightly impossible, to just come with a mute button, so I can stop her mouth making so much pointless noise all the time.

- I’d like to have a steamy, kinky threesome with Alan Rickman and Mel Gibson (I’m aware he’s an ass, but my God, I would totally violate that man).

- I want to no longer be reliant on medication, for anything at all – to be healthy, without help.

- I want to live in France, with a vineyard at the end of my garden, and a filthy-hot gardener with a tight little bum and some polished abs, to erm.. garden?

- I want a baby.  And for the other-half to actually want a baby. Now. Or at least in the next year or so..

- I would love multiple orgasms. On a daily, is not half-daily basis.

- I’d like someone to say ‘Thank you’ for working so hard to make a difference to childrens lives.

- I want gambling to just disappear completely.  It ruins too many lives.

- I want an apology from a whole host of people, and forgiveness from a whole host more.

- I want fifteen minutes with my Granddad, to tell him how much I love him, and to ask him if he thinks I’m doing the right thing.

- I want a Happy Christmas, this year, just once.  No tears, no arguments, no stress, no fuss.

The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of a happy family all wrapped up in each other.
- Burton Hillis.

- Oh, and I want a totally hot, six foot tall Santa to appear on my doorsteps on Christmas Eve, so I can sit on his lap and tell him what I really want for Christmas. ;-)
(That’s such a sordid fantasy, I know, haha).

What’s on your list?

Visit Have The T-Shirt – you’ll love her as much as I do (I promise!).

I’ve been spending plenty of time (and money), over at shanalogic.com – where you can find an array of suprisingly cute indie stuff. From egg and toast earrings, to knickers with skulls on! Hurray!

Uber Cute!

It could, quite easily, be love.

(My credit card is still cowering in a corner..)

I usually don’t post memes, but I quite like this one :X

Stolen from GhostAngel.

01) Bold what is true about you.
02) Underline what is half true.
03) Italicize what you wish was true about you.
04) Strike through anything you sneer at.
05) Add one true thing about you to the end of the list.
06) Ask me anything about the bold/italicized/underlined.

• I miss somebody right now.
• I don’t watch much TV these days.
• I own lots of books.
• I wear glasses or contact lenses.
• I love to play video games.
• I’ve tried marijuana.
• I’ve watched porn movies.
• I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship.
• I believe honesty is generally the best policy.
• I curse sometimes. (most of the time!)
• I have changed a lot mentally over the last year.
• I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me.
• I have broken someone’s bones.
• I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal.
• I hate the rain.
• I’m paranoid at times.
• I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
• I need/want money right now.
• I love sushi.
• I talk really, really fast.
• I have fresh breath in the morning.
• I have long hair.
• I have lost money in Las Vegas.
• I have at least one sibling.
• I was born in a country outside of the U.S.
• I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past.
• I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D.
• I like the way that I look.
• I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months.
• I am usually pessimistic.
• I have a lot of mood swings.
• I think prostitution should be legalized.
• I slept with a roommate.
• I have a hidden talent.
• I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I have kissed someone of the same sex.
• I enjoy talking on the phone.
• I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants.
• I love to shop and/or window shop.
• I’m obsessed with my Livejournal.
• I don’t hate anyone. I dislike them.
• I’m a pretty good dancer
• I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother.
• I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months.
• I’ve rejected someone before.
• I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
• I want to have children in the future.
• I have changed a diaper before.
• I have a lot to learn.
• I am shy around the opposite sex.
• I’m online 24/7, even as an away message.
• I have at least 5 away messages saved.
• I have tried alcohol or drugs before.
• I have made a move on a friend’s significant other or crush in the past.
• I own the “South Park” movie.
• I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Livejournal/another blog site.
• I enjoy some country music.
• I would die for my best friend(s).
• I’m obsessive, and often a perfectionist.
• I have used my sexuality to advance my career.
• Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
• I have dated a close friend’s ex.
• I am happy at this moment.
• I’m obsessed with guys.
• Democrat.
• Conservative Republican.
• I am punk rockish.
• I go for older guys/girls, not younger.
• I study for tests most of the time.
• I tie my shoelaces differently from anyone I’ve ever met.
• I can work on a car.
• I love my job.
• I am comfortable with who I am right now.
• I have more than just my ears pierced.
• I walk barefoot wherever I can.
• I have jumped off a bridge.
• I love sea turtles.
• I spend ridiculous amounts of money on makeup.
• I plan on achieving a major goal/dream.
• I am proficient on a musical instrument.
• I hate office jobs.
• I went to college out of state. (Well, out of county..)
• I am adopted.
• I am a pyro.
• I have thrown up from crying too much.
• I have been intentionally hurt by people that I loved.
• I fall for the worst people and have been hurt every time.
• I adore bright colors.
• I usually like covers better than originals.
• I hate chain theme restaurants like Applebees and TGIFridays.
• I can pick up things with my toes.
• I can’t whistle.
• I have ridden/owned a horse.
• I still have every journal I’ve ever written in.
• I talk in my sleep.
• I’ve often thought that I was born in the wrong century.
• I try to forget things by drowning them out with loads of distractions.
• I wear a toe ring.
• I have a tattoo.
• I can’t stand at LEAST one person that I work with.
• I am a caffeine junkie.
• I am completely tree-huggy spiritual, and I’m not ashamed at all.
• If I knew I would get away with it, I would commit at least one murder.
• I‘ve cosplayed or know what cosplaying is.
• I have been to over 15 conventions.
• I will collect anything, and the more nonsensical, the better.
• I enjoy a nice glass of wine with dinner.
• I’m an artist. I like to draw.
• I am ambidextrous.
• I sleep with so many stuffed animals, I can hardly fit on my bed.
• If it weren’t for having to see other people naked, I’d live in a nudist colony.
• I have terrible teeth.
• I did this Meme even though I wasn’t tagged by the person who took it before me.
• I have more friends on the internet than in real life.
• I have lived in either three different states or countries.
• I am extremely flexible.
• I want to own my own business.
• I smoke.
• I spend way too much time on the computer.
• Nobody has ever said I’m normal.
• Sad movies, games, fics and the like can cause a trickle of tears every now and then.
• I am proficient in the use of many types of firearms and combat weapons.
• I like the way women look in stylized men’s suits.
• I don’t like it when people are displeased or seem displeased with me.
• I have been described as a dreamer or likely to have my head up in the clouds.
• I have played strip poker with someone else before.
• I have had emotional problems for which I have sought professional help.
• I believe in ghosts and the paranormal.
• I can’t stand being alone.
• I have at least one obsession at any given time.
• I weigh myself, use the toilette, and then weigh myself again.
• I consistently spend way too much money on obsessions-of-the-moment.
• I’m a judgmental asshole.
• I’m a HUGE drama-queen.
• I have travelled on more than one continent.
• I sometimes wish my father would just disappear.
• I need people to tell me I’m good at something in order to feel that I am.
• I can speak more than one language.
• I can fall asleep even if the whole room is as noisy as it can be.
• I would rather read than watch TV.
• I like reading fact more than fiction.
• I have pulled an all-nighter on an assignment I was given a month to do.
• I have no piercings.
• I have spent the night in a train station or other public place.
• I once spent Christmas completely alone because there was a miscommunication on which parent was supposed to have me that night.
• I’ve been married and am now divorced.
• There have been times when I have wondered “Why was I born?” and may/may not have cried over it.
• I like most animals better than most people.
• I own a collection of retro games consoles.
• The thought of physical exercise makes me shiver.
• I have hit someone with a dead fish.
• I have written/read erotic stories.
• I am compulsively honest.
• I was born with a congenital birth defect that has never been repaired.
• I have danced topless in front of dozens of complete strangers. And not been ashamed.
• I have gone from wishing I was a boy to reveling in being a girl to feeling like a boy again in the span of five minutes, and not cared a whit for my actual sex.
• I am unashamedly bisexual, and have different motivations for my desires for different genders.
• I sometimes won’t sleep a whole night or eat a whole day because I forget to.
• I find it impossible to get to sleep without some kind of music on.
• I dislike milk.
• I obsessively wash my hands.
• I always carry that something significant around with me.
• Sometimes I’d rather wear a wig in day-to-day life than use my own hair.
• I love talking about myself to the point where I need to be stopped.
• I often sing whenever I can and I’m good at it too.
• I have experienced some type of traumatic abuse in my lifetime.
• I’ve experienced visions and dreams which I know/believe are from my past life.
• I have deja vu so vivid that I feel faint.
• I love Harry Potter.
• My parents are not together.
• I don’t believe in love.
• I hate people who walk incredibly slow.
• I have extreme contempt for the vast majority of people.
• Sometimes I don’t shower before work. (I shower before bed – after work, always. Why would I go to bed covered in dirt, then shower just before I get dirty again? Pointless!)
• To me, procrastination is like a disease!
• I want to sleep now.
• I enjoy watching two guys kissing each other.
• I am a typical Gemini born.
• The more I searched the less I’ve found.
• As a child I was a huge crybaby.
• I’m feeling alone very fast.
• I’m living in a fairytale and I’m the noble Princess, who saves the day!
• I always have to spell my (real) name.
• I want to die in my sleep.
• I have a strange laugh. (Or so I’m told!)
• If they let me, I can sleep 12 hours in a row.
• I wish I could transform myself into a boy every now and then. (Being able to pee standing up would be awesome..)
• I dance in the rain and don’t feel like a fool.
• I have a favorite stuffed animal that I will not ever get rid of.
• I sing 80’s hair metal songs into my hairbrush on a daily basis.
• I have a speech disorder.
• I’m infatuably attracted to men with long, blond, curly hair.
• I sometimes have the urge to take a shot of whiskey or open a can of beer at odd times in the day.
• I have a weakness for guys with nice bodies.
• I plan to move to another country at some point in my life.
• Ever wanted to be a certain fictional character.
• My dreams are so vivid, they feel real.
• I’m a huge geek, the comic-book and video game kind, not the smart kind.
• I can get jealous easily!
• My computer and hard drive are pretty much my most prized possessions.
• I prefer to buy CDs than download music, free or otherwise.
• I haven’t had my first kiss yet.
• I have had teeth pulled.
• I listen to music in at least five different languages.
• I think boys/guys/men are icky.
• I prefer dim lights or candlelight to bright lights
• I fully acknowledge that I love lame jokes, because they’re lame.
• I get happy when I buy food on sale.
• I can find beauty and something to love in anything around me.
• Desperate to find where I belong
• I am a home-owner
• I more often feel like an outsider than that I belong
• I’m very spiritual, but not religious at all.
• I’ve been to 10+ concerts in my life.
• I worry a lot about my future, but at the end of the day, I know I’m going to get everything I’m working for.
• I own 20+ band related clothing items
• I’m absurdly nervous around beautiful people.
• I don’t believe I can be fully happy unless I’m crushing/in a relationship with someone.
• I’m angry at someone and they don’t know it
• I recently failed some exams, for the first time in my life.
• I am more than likely to get married to a guy I will never love because he’s rich
• I don’t feel like I have any talents at all some times. Other times, I feel on top of the world.
• When I/they are away, I miss my siblings more than my parents
• I am so awfully afraid of what future brings and that I will die alone and as virgin.
• I will never have children, and I’m happy with that.
• Being a mother is the most important thing in the world, to me.

I’ve used Twitter before, and hated it. But after hearing so many people incessantly raving about how ‘wonderful’ this ‘unique piece of technology’ (errr, what now?) is… I’ve decided to give it another go.

I’m assuming the novelty will have worn off before a week is over.

On the plus side, it means I feel less guilty about being too lazy to update my blog. I can just Twitter instead! Oh joy of all joys.

Catch up on my Twittering here or click the icon at the top of my blog sidebar. (Over here look —-> To the right!)

“Foil the spam robots crawling your blog for email addresses with SpamPoison.” The icing on your electronic cake. The Guardian, UK

Who knows if Spam Poison actually works, but I’m sure as hell going to give it a try.

Interested? Click here and link back to the page. Supposedly;

These links will redirect email harvesting bots to trap sites that will feed it with an almost infinite loop of dynamically generated fake email addresses, mostly on known spammer owned domains! This will render their harvested lists practically useless and of no commercial value.

Thanks to the ever-sexy Googlemail, Spam is a rare occurrence in my inbox. However, as a woman who has, err, been around a bit.. I’m fully aware of the importance of taking extra precautions. Think of it in a similar way to giving that dorky bloke you met in a bar last week, a fake phone number*. He’ll leave a message on someone else’s answer machine, and bask in the glory while he tells his buddies that he “totally got the number of this bird!”. When, bless him, in actual fact he’s ended up with what is now commonly known as a flirt divert number (made famous by our very own Radio 1 DJ, Scott Mills), where – when he leaves his message of undying love, it will not be me who hears the message – but the entire base of listeners (undoubtedly laughing at his failure to get a real piece of data from some random chick in a bar).

I’ll feel a small sense of “Ha!”, knowing that some dirty little spam robot trawling sites across the blogosphere, will fail horribly when it comes to mine. Poor little spam robot.. (Or poor little me for so dutifully believing the drivel published by The Guardian)

* Not that I would or have ever done such a thing. Obviously. I’m far more likely to just trample the poor bastard’s ego there and then.

We’ve all dated twats. Some of us have even loved, lived with them. Finally, a Bible for the subculture of women who put up with these incessant idiots, and somehow – still find the energy to love them.

When the other-half moved in, he bought me Zoe McCarthy’s book: My Boyfriend is a Twat: A Guide to Recognising, Dealing, and Living with an Utter Twat.

I’m sure he thought it was a hilarious gesture, subconsciously informing me to deal with the fact that he was a bit of a Twat, and to just consult The Book for advice. He had, however, practically lived with me for years before he ‘officially’ moved in. The only difference was all his shit suddenly took over my house, and I got a tiny bit of financial help towards bills. I didn’t need a book, I needed a babysitter.

The Book didn’t offer me any advice I hadn’t already figured out for myself, but it showed me how to find humour in the daily grind of living with, cleaning up after and managing a Twat. More importantly, it provided some hilarious bedtime reading, complete with quotes I could relay to my Very Own Twat, much to his disapproval.

Admittedly, it isn’t a book I’d have bought myself. It’s not quite the Tony Parsons-esque literary paintings that I usually read, filled with tear-jerking quotes that I remember word-for-word, years after reading them. But what it is, is a humorous and brutally honest book written by a woman who isn’t afraid to lay it all out on the table, and then courageously laugh about it all.

I knew from Zoe’s blog that the book would be funny, but it goes far beyond. It’s utterly hilarious, and for that – I recommend it to anyone, no matter what your tastes. It’s utterly inspiring to see a blogger get her own book published, and personally, I’m waiting (im)patiently for Eileen to pull her socks up and crank out some literary genius of her own for all us mere part-time bloggers to bask in.

I bagged myself one of the top spots for personal blogs on Fuel My Blog!

If you enjoy reading Scrapbooking With Words – please Fuel My Blog by clicking on the Fuel My Blog icon on the top right hand side of the blog (or click below)! You can vote as many times as you like (only once per day), and I highly recommend FMB for finding new blogs, if you’re looking for some new reading material! :)