“Just don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do.
Where there is love and inspiration, I don’t think you can go wrong.”
- Ella Fitzgerald.

I’ve always been good at giving up.  First came ballet and horseriding, then meat, and church and God.  At times I’ve given up trying, given up my self respect.  I never thought I’d give up something I’d worked so hard for.  Infact, I was adamant that I wouldn’t give up teaching with The Other-Half asked me to.  But, things change.

Many teachers manage to be wonderful mothers and wives, while still being wonderful at their job.  But I’ve waited so long to be a mother, that I want to give it everything I have.  We’re lucky enough to be able to afford for me to be a stay at home mum, and I believe being at home with my kids will be better for them than putting them in day care.  And so, after lots of discussion with the Other-Half, I’ve decided to give up teaching.  You see, there’s a proposal looming, followed by a swift wedding and plans to start a family straight away.  I don’t want to waste time studying for teaching qualifications, only to give up the job almost as soon as I’ve started.

And so, I’ve decided to continue with the next best thing, for the time being.  I’ve had various roles in various schools, but have recently been working as a teaching assistant in a school nursery, and the job I’ve just taken for September, when I would have been starting my teaching course, is doing the same role, but in a very different school.

‘Quitting’ my course has raised a few eyebrows.  I worked hard to get a place on the course, I was over the moon when I got one, and talked constantly about being fully qualified, having my own classroom, setting my own lessons.  The truth is, I know I’d have made a wonderful teacher.  But I don’t believe I’d have been the best mother I could be.  I have a lot of respect for working mothers, and I understand that to some women – their career is an important part of their life.  I’m not saying that women who work are bad mothers – some have to work, some want to.   But for me personally, I see no benefit in paying to put a child into daycare when you’re willing and able to afford to stay at home and care for them yourself.

The children I’ll be working with in September are in the 2% of children in the UK who are classed as the most deprived.  In other words, 98% of children in the UK are better off socially, emotionally and economically than the children I’ll be working with.  I visited the school before I took the job, and fell in love with the pre-schoolers that I’d be working with.  These kids have nothing, and are a world apart from the children I’m working with at the moment in a typically white-middle-class nursery school.  The role of staff in a nursery school is to firstly educate and secondly care for.  But in schools like the one I’ll be working in, the children are mentally younger, and require more care than education.  That is, these kids need cuddles and reassurance, not counting rhymes and art equipment.  The benefit of being the teaching assistant rather than the teacher, is that you’re able to spend more time getting to know the children and less time worrying about teaching and assessing them.  My mental stability has been questioned by friends for taking a job that will undoubtedly take it’s toll on me emotionally.  But if you’d met these kids, you’d understand.

Do I regret withdrawing from my course to be a mother, before I am one?

No, because I’d give up the world to be a mum.  And before I am one, I’ll do everything I can to be fill the gaps in the lives of  the kids I’ve met who either have no mother, or would be better off without the one they have.

The school I work in has started introducing The Creative Curriculum.  To cut a long story short, let me explain..

The Creative Curriculum is a thematic approach to learning and teaching, designed to support children’s natural curiosity and stimulative their creative abilities.  It puts a high value on direct experience and the learning experiences that the local community of the school can offer.  This allows for learning in meaningful contexts – no more learning about obscure places and events that children can not relate to real-life.  Hurrah!

For our kids, this means one thing – learning is going to be fun.  For teachers?  It means that initially, planning is going to be a bitch.  But in the long term, children are going to enjoy a meaningful learning experience that teachers actually enjoy teaching.

For someone like me, on the brink of going into teaching (by which I mean, after a year of being paid peanuts, and another year of studying, I’ll finally be there), this is all pretty exciting.  I remember being back at school, and constantly wondering why we were learning about things we would never use after we left school.  I remember sitting exam after exam, based on abstract concepts, knowing full well that I would erase the knowledge I’d learnt the second I stepped out of the exam.  Back then, graduating primary school, middle school and high school could all be related to passing a driving test…  Driving lessons didn’t teach you to drive, they taught you to pass a test, and you learnt how to drive afterwards.  School didn’t teach you how to live, it taught you how to graduate, and you learnt how to live after you’d left.

In the words of Vampire Weekend – who gives a fuck about the Oxford comma?
Or to put it another way, why teach children things just so they can pass exams?  We should be teaching them how to learn, giving them the skills to go and learn about the things that interest them.  Aside from basic numeracy and literacy, who gives a fuck about ancient history and algebra?  I certainly don’t, and I can honestly say – with a full set of qualifications, I couldn’t do algebra if someone held a gun to my head, and I couldn’t tell you one single thing about the ancient Greeks.

I fully support The Creative Curriculum, and think although it may have it’s flaws, it’s a wonderful idea.  I’ve seen the beginnings of it implemented, and the change in attitude from both teachers and kids has been wonderful.  Learning should never be a chore, it should be an interesting, exciting experience that leaves you wanting more.  The CC is the first of what I hope to be many steps to ensure learning is a positive and relevant experience, and I think it’s fab.

If you haven’t already heard of The Creative Curriculum, or you’re interested in how your school might implement it – click here.

It’s easy to make a buck. It’s a lot tougher to make a difference. ~Tom Brokaw

The other-half had become quite accustomed to me not working. He came home from work to find his dinner on the table, his lunch packed up for work the next day. His washing and ironing was done and put away, the house was always spotlessly clean, the fridge was always stocked. In short – he had little to do except go to work, earn some money, and come home.

He explained that he couldn’t understand why I wanted to go and work as a Teaching Assistant, earning an appauling wage for dealing with the kids that no one else wants to deal with. He couldn’t understand why I wanted to go back to University eventually, and train to be a teacher. He couldn’t understand why I loved nothing more than working with children who had severe behavioural problems or special educational needs.

The bottom line was, he just didn’t understand.

He made various efforts to persuade me not to go back to work.

We don’t need the money.
You don’t need the stress.
I like you being at home.
We can have kids of our own, you don’t need to work with other peoples’..

Now, I’m stubborn at the best of times, and this was one thing I wouldn’t budge on.

I had been the ‘breadwinner’ long before he had. While he was still a student, I bought a house, ran a car, and paid for most things that we shared. When I decided to give up a well paid and successful job, to try get into teaching, he was very supportive, and moved in with me, on the condition that I would let him pay for everything except my own expenses (car, phone, etc). It was incredibly kind, and gave me the opportunity to do a job I could have never afforded to do otherwise. That said, I found it very difficult to suddenly go from being able to pay for everything myself, to relying on someone else to give me money to even go do the grocery shopping.

There are two reasons why I will be going back to work.

The first, is that I will be on a piss poor wage for a few years until I’m qualified, but a tiny wage is better than no wage, and I can’t justify relying on someone else for everything.

The second, and arguably the most important reason, is that I love my job. Since the first day I spent surrounded by kids instead of men in stuffy business suits, I have known that teaching will make me feel complete, as corny as that sounds. I look forward to going to work, and in my experience, that’s a rare blessing. I’ve worked with kids who spoke no English, I’ve worked with kids who have been violent, who have been unable to sit still or to respond in the same way as other children their age. I’ve worked with children with special needs, I’ve worked with kids who know far more than I ever did at their age. And in them all, in every single one of them, I saw something that made me smile. Even in the kids who teachers dreaded having in their classroom, the kids who spat at staff, the kids who beat the crap out of their classmates. I’ve found that if you can find a way to inspire any child, you can find a way to get through to them, and you can see whatever it is about them that’s wonderful, no matter how deep it may be buried.

When I worked in a nursery school, I worked closely with a little boy who had severe behavioural problems. When I left that job, he hugged me and said

“I have lots of friends now because you showed me how to be nice. You’re really nice and everyone likes you, Miss, so I’m going to try extra hard, all the time, to be really nice so that you and Mummy are very proud of me.”

It took every inch of strength I had, not to burst into tears.

The very nature of working with children, is that you give and give, and some might argue – get nothing in return. But in my experience, I do give and give, to the extend that it’s exhausting sometimes, but I get so much in return that it’s worth every second of underpaid, overworked, time.

I recently got a position working with children who are slightly older than what I would have chosen. I miss being with the little ones, but I still love my job. And the Other-Half’s tea isn’t always on the table, the house isn’t spotless, and we often have to do an emergency grocery shop because I haven’t had time to go. But, I’m happy. And so, he’s concluded that it doesn’t really matter about all those other things, as long as I’m happy.

I’m well aware that I, along with every other educational professional, should be paid triple what I actually get paid. I’m well aware that there’s a lot of people who wouldn’t even consider working with children, let alone working with the ones that struggle to behave well.

But I’ve yet to find anything that gives me the same satisfaction that working with children does. It’s often a hard, thankless job. But I feel privileged to know the children that I do. I feel privileged to share their secrets, smiles and sadness.

And I wouldn’t give up my career for all the tea in China.

I am s l o w l y losing a grip on reality.

I walked out of my job after I saw one too many kids being left with fifteen year old students, with no CRBs, no qualifications, and absolutely no common sense. I saw staff being reduced to tears by a manager who was nothing less than a bully, I saw higher management turn a blind eye.. And so, I told the MD that I was frankly too good for her sham of a company, and walked right out of the door – fairly confident that I’d find another job easily.

Unfortunately, I picked the wrong time of year to walk out of childcare. The new school year is starting, and all the jobs have been taken. So, I’m relying on agency work – the kind where they phone you at 6am and ask you to go teach a class of 25 preschoolers at 8am, the same day. It’s not working out so well..

And so, in the realm of unemployment, I’m slowly going mad. My house is absolutely spotless (I even dusted the lampshades yesterday, for fucks sake), I’m actually cooking (real, proper food, that wasn’t bought from a supermarket), and I’ve applied for more jobs than I have ever done in my life. At least, that’s how it started. Now, I’ve become a regular slob – sitting around doing very little at all. My daily routine consists of getting up, showered, dressed, caffeinated. Then applying for permanent jobs, explaining to interviewed on the phone that while I’m not a mum, I’m great at my job. Then slobbing around feeling sorry for my motherless/jobless self.

The problem seems to be, that any jobs that are available, are aimed at mothers’. Part time jobs, that fit around taking the kids to school and picking them up again. Unfortunately, I’m not a mother. Even more unfortunately, it seems to mean that no one really wants to look at me twice.

Because naturally, you’ve got to have dropped a kid or two before you could possibly understand how to control a whole class of them.

I’m not a mother. I haven’t really got any close relations with kids. I can, however, transform a box full of pompoms and a couple of plastic bags into a fun and educational activity. I can make up stories on the spot, and I’m fan-fucking-tastic at hopscotch. And yet, no one seems to want to know what I can do. Everyone wants to know the answer to the dreaded question,

“So, do you have any kids of your own?”

No. I don’t. There’s no chance of me having to miss work because my kids are sick, and there’s no chance of me being late because my brat covered me in orange juice at breakfast time.

Being an un-mum, and wanting to work with kids, seems, apparently, bizarre to the majority of childcare employers that I’ve come across.

And so, I’m stuck convincing employers that I can do my job perfectly well, without having raised kids of my own. I’ve seen plenty of royally crap parents, and quite frankly – I’ve had more of a positive impact on some of the children I’ve taught, even for a short time, than their parents will ever have.

It’s unfair.. In fact, it’s worse than that – it’s discrimination. But how do you fight something like that? Unless someone says you’re not going to get the job they’re offering, because you’re childless – then you haven’t got a leg to stand on. And naturally, no one’s going to come right out and say it. Instead, it’s insinuated, it’s implied, it’s obvious.  It’s ridiculous.

Sperm donors – apply here! :-)

I can’t believe it’s September already.. This year has flown by..

If you’re celebrating the start of Ramadan today – may you have a blessed Ramadan Mubarak.

If you’re not, keep this quote from the Qur’an in mind anyway..

“A good word is like a good tree whose root is firmly fixed and whose top is in the sky.”

Remember, a few kind words go a long way. Tell someone you believe in them, and their limits will be endless.

Mighty Oaks From Little Acorns Grow.

This site contains a (strangely, horizontal..) list of polaroid pictures of real people, each with a caption that states what that person would like to do before they die.

Here are some of my favourites polaroids from the site..

What do you want to do before you die?

My answer is below. :-)

There’s a child in my class who very clearly has behavioural problems. He bites, kicks and pushes the other children, and sticks his tongue out at adults when they speak to him. His mother seems to think this is all perfectly normal behaviour, replying with “Oh, haha, boys will be boys!” whenever anyone mentions her son’s behaviour.

He spat at another child today, who came running to me in tears. I called the child who spat over to me, and he immediately screamed and started smacking me as hard as he could. I removed him from the group, and calmly explained that this was not acceptable behaviour, and that he should apologise for spitting at the other child, and for smacking me. Cue long explanation of why we do not spit, and why it is important to say we are sorry when we have done something wrong.. Yada yada yada.

The kid then turns to me, and at full volume screams

“I will spit if I want!”

I said, no, we do not spit, it is dirty and not how good children behave. And then it came.. Full pelt,

“I WILL SPIT IF I WANT, I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!!”

Then, he LAUGHED, right in my face!

Firstly, what the fuck? Did I fall out of England straight into USA? Who says ASS?
Secondly, that kid’s mother needs to learn how to parent her little shit of a son. This isn’t a little boy being a boistrous little boy. This is a child with behavioural issues that will severe unless his retarded bitch of a mother takes some responsibility for showing him right from wrong.

The child is a nightmare. There’s absolutely no reasoning with him. But every now and again, you can see a perfectly happy and calm child in him (deep, deep inside.. Somewhere.. Maybe..).

He spent the remainder of the afternoon throwing a full scale tantrum (which was ignored) because he’d been told off for spitting at a child, for using ‘rude words’ and for shouting at a grown up.

And when I told his ‘mother’ (and I use that term loosely.. Just because she gave birth, it doesn’t make her a mother figure..), she smiled and said, “Oh, he’ll have got that from The Simpsons.”

Then, she handed him some sweeties and took him home, as though his behaviour was perfectly acceptable – leaving me open mouthed..

I’d love to kick her ass, irresponsible bitch.

It amuses me really, that the government have forbidden any body of education (schools, nurseries, etc) to (supposedly) ‘label’ children. We can’t use words like, “naughty” or phrases like, “I am cross with you” or “That is bad behaviour”. Instead, we have to say “I am very sad with you”, and “That behaviour is not good”.

There’s too much concern over how to ‘coax’ children into good behaviour through positive sentences and removing priviledges rather than giving punishments. Parents can’t even lightly smack their children, they are frowned upon for raising their voices and using non-positive verbal messages (for example, “You are being naughty” should apparently be phrased as “Please can you show me good behaviour”). And what do we end up with? A bunch of kids who are not afraid to misbehave, who do not even have an incentive to behave well. And a bunch of parents who are afraid to parent their children properly.

When I was preschool age, I wouldn’t have dared to misbehave like that. Why? Because I’d have been given a good old fashioned smacking, told I was a very naughty girl, and then been sent straight to bed.

In my opinion, what this child needs (and what most children need), is some clear discipline. Going to bed without pudding, having his toys taken away, and a very cross voice to tell him that he is being very naughty indeed. He needs an incentive to be good, and something to deter him from behaving badly. Oh, and a mother who isn’t a total dipshit would be preferable too.

Muhammad Ali said that children make you want to start life over. That quote sums up exactly how I feel about my new job.. It was a chance to start over, and I certainly feel as though I have and I do, every single day.

I get up at 6am every morning to be greeted with cuddles and kisses, instead of deadlines and meeting schedules. For the first time in over eight years, I eat breakfast, I smoke less, and I haven’t had a drink in over a month.

I’ve made more than a few sacrifices to get here. But there is nothing I miss. Nothing I regret about making this decision.

- There are twenty two reasons why, that greet me every morning with smiling faces, and the question,

What are we going to do today?

I think the most beautiful thing about children is the innocence that allows them to greet each new day with excitement and hope. The answer to their question?

We can do, make, be, absolutely anything we want to.

Every child in that classroom believes in that statement, and in me.
And so do I.

It took many a shitty job (and ‘career’) for me to realise that I had, naturally, always been right.

When I was about ten years old, after getting past the “I want to do what my Daddy does” stage, I announced to my mother that I wanted to be a teacher. She was horrified. As a teacher herself, with a child who was reasonably bright, she dreaded the day that one of her daughters would announce they wanted such a poorly paid career. The next few years were dedicated to talking me out of it.

To this day, my mother reminds me that I could earn X amount of money, that I’m too ‘clever’ (which is, infact, absolute bollocks) to teach. I’ve had decent paid jobs, and I’ve had a well paid career. But I hated all those unfulfilling, empty jobs. Sure, they bought me some cute furniture, and a few hideously expensive pairs of designer shoes (which, by the way, I’ll be selling.. Size UK 4, if you’re interested!), but nothing outweighs the feeling of looking forward to going to work. And to me, teaching children their first few basic skills – reading, writing, using computers, counting.. That far outweighs the importance of holding ‘very important’ meetings and taking long lunches with clients.

So, I finally took the plunge, and in three weeks I will be knee deep in finger paint, teaching pre-schoolers the words to ‘Three Little Ducks’, how to write their names and how to recognise colours.

I’ll be wiping sticky hands and mucky faces, I’ll be reading the same stories over and over again. But, I’ll be surrounded by little-people that look up to me with little smiling faces. I’ll be skint, I’ll never own a decent pair of shoes again, but I know I’ll be good at this. Really good, better than I could be at anything else.

And more importantly, I know I’ll be happier than I’ve ever been.
Or at least, one step closer. :-)